Anyone from O’ahu will tell you, it’s a thong bikini or no bikini at all. As someone who lives for this rule, here are the essential requirements of a cheeky bikini bottom (it’s a serious science):
(a) they need to show off all of your cheeks;
(b) they need to stay on properly; and
(c) the fabric needs to be high quality enough that there are no chances of a surprise camel toe.
Now that it’s nearly winter in Sydney, I know we’re all urgently trying to pack bikinis for our upcoming Europe/Asia trip. So, I’m here to help.
(1) 1f you need a basic bikini at a cheap price because you’re just a millennial trying to get that smashed avo toast – ASOS:
Look I get it. We’re all out here trying to live our best brunch lives. Go to ASOS and type in ‘thong bikini’ and you’ll be able to get one for $20 AUD.
That means more money for your acai bowl. The only negative to buying a cheeky one from ASOS is that they either don’t have product videos of the bikini bottoms or don’t show the models walking away from us (they only show the front view), presumably because of the creep factor. And to the creeps on the internet that have ruined ASOS model videos for us, far out, I’m so very mad at you. I need to SEE how the butt looks in a bikini to make solid financial choices and you’ve taken this away from me.
ASOS Tip: if an item is sold out, download the ASOS app and save it to your ‘saved items’. Then you can click ‘notify me’ and when it comes back in stock, you can buy it on your phone. I also like to fb message ASOS and ask them any questions i.e. “does this bikini top have padding?” They respond really quickly. They’re my best friends.
Delivery Time: 3 days max if you have ASOS Premier or around a week if you don’t, pleb.
(2) If you want to look amazing and have some ca$h moneys to spend online – MIDORI BIKINIS:
Midori has never failed me. Their designs are super flattering and it doesn’t move from your body. If the occasion called for water sports, I’d opt for Midori. But, this one time I went surfing in Waikiki, I happened to be wearing a size Medium (when I’m usually a Small) in the ‘Kai’ bottoms so I could have it look very 90s – the whole high cut look. It looked amazing on the beach. Doing it for the gram. But, it wasn’t a good idea when I got in the water. It threatened to wash off me in one huge act of betrayal. So, know your sizes or you could be naked in Waikiki.
Midori Tip: Unfortunately for us, Aussie gals can’t try on the styles before we buy them since the only store is located in California. But, from experience, if you want the smallest bikini, get the ‘Kai’. However, even the “modest” style called ‘Brayden’ makes your butt look super cute and it’s probably considered cheeky for Sydney standards.
Delivery Time: Around 1- 2 weeks to Sydney, Australia.
(3) If you are a luxe bitch and you need to try on your kinis before you buy them – TIGERLILY:
Tigerlily tries to tip-toe the line between modest and cheeky, regardless of how many times I go into their stores and tell them thong bikinis are the way to go. Their ‘Paranga’ style is the cheekiest style that they have consistently:
Their prices do tend to be luxe, but if you go into their stores, you get to smell their amazing candles, so it’s a win-win I guess.
4. If you are THAT bitch and you want to stand out – MOANA BIKINI:
Bright colours and fun prints that scream tropical getaways? Yep, Moana is probably a cult favourite (I’ve been trying to join the cult for years). I personally think their kinis, thanks to their fun, unique prints, look the best in photos. Especially the butt. Also, I usually search the ‘tagged’ pictures of a bikini brands to see what they ACTUALLY look like on real people, but there’s no real need to do that with Moana as they don’t edit any of their images. What a concept.
Delivery Time: They ship in four days or less.
I hope everyone has a cheekier winter/summer thanks to this list and if you find a great bikini brand, you have to let me know. Help a friend out.